"Can I ask you a question?"
"How does it feel to have my attention, affection, and desire land for you?"
"Wow...That's a really good question...Well today, I let it in. And it felt really good. And then I felt like I needed to pull back away from you...because...I knew I couldn't match you."
(Long awkward pause)
"I wonder if things would have gone differently if I slowly matched you, if we had slowly expanded together."
"...Expanding together...Hmm.. that sounds good..."
My heart is expanding
and all it wants to know is
that it won't burst out loud
it won't frighten
or blow you out
and even still...
if it does
know that I am human
and that I am learning...
I wonder...What is the right balance between honesty/self expression/subtle discretion and how does one navigate boundaries and other people's reception to attention. And ultimately I wonder underneath what I actually need...I have moments..very rare but potent moments where all I want is to pour open this bottomless pit of unexpressed love....like rip the whole world with this grenade bomb of my heart and see what happens...and at the same time, I also cower and run away when someone is professing their undying love for me and I'm not ready to receive it. Not ready to hear those words because the physical preferences, the "you don't even know me!" blocks me from emotionally feeling into their sincerity.
So the internal "I just don't want to let you down" becomes "Well, see you next time, maybe?"
Love avoidance turns into apathy...at least for me...
Well shit, we're all setting ourselves up for failure.
I can't want this more than you.
It hurts too much to be waiting...
- T. Lin