Pining

Pining:

The very act of pining sounds like lamenting for affection, longing for your attention, whining in a way for your light just to shine its beautiful rays on me.

I'm baring my soul out to the world for the first time and I just want you to feel the juice of it all. To feel the rawness of my truth and know its coming from a new place. I, too, hold a glass heart that I've patched up with masking tape...

It's as if I can say "Hey! You've shown your flashlight into my cave!"
And I feel you.
The desire is co-arising day by day.
I feel delirious, deluded, intoxicated, pulling, gripping, and wanting to scream

I'm coming out to meet you but won't you meet me halfway?

I want to believe that the intimacy in which you seek is in par with what I can give in time within the right pace.
Is it too cynical for me to believe that if I come out and leap to meet you, you might just run away?
Drop me like a hot potato, rotten tomato, heart on display
Discarding my feelings and looking away
Leaving me so I need to do the work to scrape myself up
Pull up my heartstrings
Look back at our text history and process where in my head did I fantasize and effect our trajectory
Self sabotage written in my forehead
I then part ways and leave
Embarrassed and playing it like it didn't mean a thing...

"I guess it wasn't the real thing"
"Onto the next one"

I sigh and heavily breathe

I don't want to be "too much" and "not enough" for you

I am open and my heart is honest in its affection for you
Don't you dare abuse it, just because you are scared too

...of the reality of receiving something so real that you think it's all a scheme
Maybe it is...
Maybe I'm just playing pretend too...
Longing for the idea of love and the belief that it could be with you...

I want to feel. I want to feel safe to feel. I want you to open and remove your barriers. I want you to receive the love that I have to give.

I feel myself collapsing in doubt.
I want too many things and haven't given you the space to breathe...
I'm playing with your boundaries.
Emotionally manipulating by withholding.

Why is it so hard to lean in ? What are we both afraid of?

- T.Lin

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