Intertwining in Resonance
Intertwining in Resonance
Ashton, M, 37
We had met months ago. There was already a distinct flavor in our relating that felt soft, gentle, conscious, casual with a hint of "maybe there could be more"
So it was the last day of Burning Man and fate would have it that we would bump into each other again.
I was with a couple of people from my camp in a school bus named "Bird Poop" en route to Reno. We had stopped for gas and a little voice said "This bus isn't going to make it...".
And as I walked into a small shop in Gerlach for a much needed iced chai, I see Ashton walking out.
"Omg. What are the chances!"
We hug hard, feeling giddy at this random chance encounter. Already, my thoughts go straight to "wow, we had a really nice experience sitting next to each other touching hands once, months ago. I wonder why the universe is calling this in...hmm...let's explore this!"
Now, I've done a lot of personal work to ask for what I want, straight, without anything extra on top. To be in my rightness about it. And to have it.
Turns out guys love it when women speak from their desires. Turns out they love to give.
"Hey, do you have room in your car? I'm trying to hitch a ride to SF!"
"Yeah, of course! That's perfect, I was also desiring company."
So we set off together.
Turns out, my intuition was right. Bird Poop had died on the highway. By the time I heard the news, Ashton and I were eating Indian Tacos. I thanked him for saving a couple hours of meltdown in the hot heat of a crowded school bus and looked up at the sky "Thank you for gifting me the right people at the right moment in my life!"
We decompressed, digested, shared our individual Burning Man stories and our overall experience with finding love/love finding us on the playa. Him unleashing and recovering from his love confession and wishing he had more opportunities for cuddles and physical affection. Me calling in male attention while wishing I could have had the grounding "wtf just happened" conversations with one girl crush. Unresolved yet sensational nonetheless...
I noticed similar patterns that we both had of gripping towards attention from certain people and then retracting when it doesn't get met. He has the type of reflective consciousness to talk freely about feelings. I listened. Vice versa. Held space. Our conversations in the car and the two rest stops for food felt nourishing and was the type of 1-1 attention needed to come down from such an overwhelming social week living out in the desert.
We made the last minute decision to stay in a hotel in Reno with friends from Bird Poop who had eventually hitched a ride.
I had introduced the concept of BEDtalks and opened it up to him to decide which sensory experience to share together. We agreed on working on Touch. Cuddles. It felt super resonant.
BEDTalk: Cuddles. No time limit. Big spoon/Little spoon and all of the necessary motions to switch in between that makes me feel intimacy is just switching from one position into another knowing that your partner will be okay. That moving intertwined and entwined like vines is something truly comforting, like what baby cub lions do in their sleep. It feels good to be held and to feel warmth of a human body next to yours.
The next day in the car to San Francisco, I wrapped our BEDTalk with the question I will start using as my consistent standard with any partner.
"Do you feel we've expanded in intimacy?"
A: It was interesting because I thought we kind of went through different phases. Cuddling all night. It felt really nourishing and a lot of oxytocin flowing. I felt this blockage and it was a blockage of my complete power. Part of why it gets blocked is how I block my sexual power, and energy flow. There was a point I woke up in the middle of the night. You know the kind of feeling where you don't remember where you are...and it felt very intimate.
T: OOO, was that the moment when you randomly kissed me?
A: Yeah, haha I don't remember much about it but yeah.
That was when I was feeling super good. Really drowsy. Like you wake up from deep deep sleep not knowing where you are. Not thinking at all, just in the body state.
Also there was an edge. I wasn't sure if you wanted to kiss or were avoiding it? Or even if I wanted to. It made me think it may have been better not to, but I kind of wanted to. So it was a spot of ambiguity.
T: I know that spot. It's that spot I want to explore. The wavering "is this me? is this you?" Desire is co-arising. Who's going to put two feet in the water first?
A: It's kind of like you're walking on the road together. I could have pushed and gone past that edge, but I didn't want to just do it because I didn't feel that was .. I don't know...we kind of had to go together.
T: And do you think we did go together?
A: Yes it felt like we were together and that I wasn't in a total state of self abandon
T: I'm glad you did. I vaguely remember in my deep sleep state, thinking "oh, this is nice. Ashton is expansing with me here..." and then I went right back to sleep.
A: Yeah, that was the peak moment, just a moment of my mind not being there and it felt really nice. The self regulating self conscious anything.
If there was more self abandon, we definitely would have kissed more. Also having other people in the room was also a regulating force, aware. It also didn't matter too much, I wasn't thinking about it really.
T: For me, I was comfortable with that level of intimacy. So it looked like a couple of pecks and a really nourishing night of cuddling but feeling really well held through it all. It was a nice energetic exchange feeling the warmth of your body against mine.
Let's see there was a moment where I felt super comfortable in this one position. My face resting in the corner of your neck, right hand by the back of your head and my right thigh resting over your body. You're like a good one foot taller than me and it was just the right amount of surface area to stretch out.
I don't think the night would have called on for more. Thank you for allowing yourself to feel comfortable around me as I am around you.
A: Yeah, what I really liked how comfortable you are in your body and how we could intertwine a lot. It felt really good. That metric of getting super intertwined, you see dancers who are super in control of their bodies and are very fluid and then you see people who's movements are awkward because they don't have that comfort in themselves. So I think for both of us we were at a pretty high level of maximizing the potential of full body touch.
The relief of the blockage of my own power comes through opening my heart and opening my heart comes through many things. Deep communication, listening, being present, something that can't be forced. I have to be doing something and that flow and resonance starts happening and the power that's blocked trough my root starts flowing through. And it seems like it's a gradual process and it takes time to allow the energy to flow.
When we were talking just now, there was a very nice moment earlier, just listening to your reflection kind of this communication process. Hearing where you are and articulating where I am and being heard as we put a deeper meaning. Listening to you I feel is opening my heart and connecting new dots.
T: I love this conversation. I really think in the end we are all just calibrating for what we feel the other person is thinking. Without open communication and sincere open heartedness, we take for granted the beautiful vulnerable moments of a shared experience.
A: And the experience isn't fully shared, because we don't know the complete half of what's going on in the other persons mind. Their is another dimension to it which is the ability to communicate.
We can both be watching the sunset in silence holding hands and we could go back home and share. It takes a bit more vulnerability to reveal something about ourselves that we are a little shy to in the moment and that closes a loop
One of the things I'm scared of is inadvertently violating someone's boundaries and not knowing it and then not being told.
T: I have that one too. We're all learning here. I think it's important to listen to someone's body language more so than what they say or don't say. I'd say we're doing pretty great.
Ashton drives me back to San Francisco, my first stop being the laundromat to wash my dusty clothes from the Burn. And we exchange a longer hug, eye contact, "i'll see you this weekend!", and say our goodbyes.
I'm grateful for this experience. Grateful for the opportunity to have a BEDtalk with a woke ass man and the consciousness of having a grounding "how do you feel" conversation which closes the loop and leaves us with more love and openness for our next encounter.
Ashton* (Pseudonym) is 37, male. His top 5 values are honesty , gratitude , integrity, courage, creativity. We continue to connect to this day.
To him, Intimacy Is...
Intimacy is connection using more of ourselves than we usually share. It is physical connection where there is something deeper to explore that draws us together than just that, however it is expressed, whatever we are brought together by. It is a certain resonance which we want to explore in our bodies. Intimacy is not necessarily physical. It can be a deep sharing or exploration of feelings usually kept hidden, not even necessarily regarding each other, but usually in the space of that which is personal.
For me, Intimacy Is...
Expressing desires and allowing energy to flow through in resonance with another. It's the reminder of my capacity for feeling and the openness that happens when I can share my heart wide enough to receive, to hold, and to be met in connection with another human being.
It's the transition between big spoon, little spoon, and every little subtle position in between. Moving and shifting around as much as you'd like, knowing full well your partner will be okay, you will be okay, and you surrender to the dance of the night.